You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
