Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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