im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
