I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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