I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
