im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
