I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
