one might say we're banned from that church
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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