We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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