I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
