Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
