A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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