There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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