the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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