She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
