if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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