i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
3 2 1 whiskey
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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