omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
