Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
