I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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