plz talk dirty to me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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