1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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