Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
