I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
