I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
