If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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