Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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