dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
