he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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