Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
