six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
