Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
