i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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