go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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