new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
