I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
