why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
