Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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