i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
