she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
