Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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