So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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