my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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