This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
