she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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