Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
