my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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