none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
