At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
