Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Randomize
