I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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