What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
