Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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