Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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