New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
