There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
