I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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