considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Randomize
