I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
