I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
