:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
