I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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