Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
