you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
